Que Serra Serra

When i was just a little girl... I ask my mother what will i be...will i be pretty? Will i be rich?...
Guess what she said to me?
Que serra serra, whatever will be will be.. The futures not ours to see...

Nope..my mum din actually say that to me... I was taught that you'll need to work hard for things that you want.. Who knows then that I'll be a doctor today? N since my parents are kind of traditional, there r only few profession that they acknowledge.. Doctor, lawyer, engineer... Not much choice there isnt it?

U know when we were in primary school we were asked every year what our ambition is? I recently remembered what i wrote then... Police, actress, teacher... I was probably watching alot of tvb police series...then there were astraunaut and doctor when i was in standard 4.. Cos that was when we learned science..

So naive then.. Everything that we see or learn then seemed to interest me so much.. How did i choose to be a doctor?

Honestly, i still dont know.. Everytime someone asks me that, i will crack up with some answer that seems decent and acceptable.. Back in form 5 when i achieved a surprisingly good result for SPM, everything was settled for me.. It is understandable that if u get good results ppl expect u to do go into the best profession.. Since u can, be a doctor laa... Save lives maaa... 

Sad to say my decision of doctor is actually like a diagnosis of exclusion.. Where i ruled out what i dont want to be.. N end up with 2 choices.. Engineer / doctor.. N i filled that both in my jpa form.. N they offered me medicine in UK!!.. Who wouldnt jump straight for it???

N even in medical school, we still have lots of ambitious thought.. I want to be a Surgeon or Obs n Gyne.. Or neurosurgery... Hahahaaa... If someone tells me that now.. Its either they are damn passionate or they havent started working yet.. I spoke to one of my young nephew just finished his SPM..the place that i was 10 years back..Wow...geezz...din know im so old oredi...
He mentioned stg about being a doctor.. N he wanted to be a neurosurgeon or a psychiatrist.. 2 tottaly different pathway.. I din know what to say.. I just told him good luck..

N now is THE time again..ppl start asking 'what do you want to be?" or 'where do you want to go?"... Well cos i am coming to the end of housemanship.. What do i want to do for the rest of my lifee?
I was considering obs n gyne when i was in medical school... Well...the moment i step into the labour room, splashed by all the blood, shit n liquor and all the stress in the air,, nope...crossed out straight..

Conditions keep changing every stage of my life.. Even from first year of housemanship n second year.. In malaysia, it is more like what i can be or where i can go... You cant always get what you want...n what you are interested in doesnt neccessarily mean its what you are going to do...

There is the 2 main branch..medical or surgery... N some inbetweens.. Obs n gyne unget abit of both..thats y i was ideally interested then.. And anaesthesiology..which when i was in the department i thought it was something i wanted to do too... But deep inside i've always have special interest in surgical line.. But theres too many to choose from.. Even in surgery there r so many branches..
Shall i make my decision through exclusion again?? So easy to choose 'doctor' as kids.. But there r so many kinds of doctorr.. rich doctor? Busy doctor? Chilax doctor? Gp?

I remembered someone saying.. If operating theatre is the place that u like most in hospital, then be an anaesthesiologist... But if operation theatre is the place you like most in the world, then be a Surgeon...

Yes, i like surgery.. But do i want to dedicate my whole life to it?? Yes i am more interested in surgery than other line but.. I still want my life.. Hahaa.. Back to what our priority in life is... Money? Family? Time? Career? For me i think career is not first.. Money hopefully comes with career...
Now the new trend of doctors are going for better life now..nobody wants to stay n operate till 3am during weekend when you are 40-50 years old.. Unless...UNLESS.. You are damn passionate about your job.. Am i??? By 40-50 ideally... Shud b going for nice holiday once in 3 mths.. Having nice dinner..or home cooked meals..not some lausy hospital food..n left overs in the OT pantry..cos by the time u finish surgery all food is gone..

Its a decision to make..but doesnt mean what i make now inwont change once i go district..hahaa..
Being a doctor is just the beginning..unless u accept the fact that there is neverending learning and responsibilities, y ou will never be a good doctor.. How many times a week i wake up in the morning and dreadfully thinking y do i have to work today...

Decision decision... A wise fren said.. You will know what your calling is.. When you know it.. For now just one step at a time..